This is hard. It really is. All of it. And its stupid that its hard, and there’s really no reason for it to be hard, and yet it is.

That’s how much sense I make to myself lately 🙂

I’ve had some truly wonderful moments in the last few weeks and months – hanging with Vienna and Alex and getting invited up to play at the Dove show; getting to see WPA. Several people I admire and enjoy have asked me to contribute to their creations and projects, and that’s very cool.

The overall problem with all that has been how I deal with it – total headspace stuff. I’m a moderate person in just about every sense of the concept, and I’ve found that lately, without a regular gig and without a consistent schedule, I tend to couple these immense highs in special shows and appearances with really crippling lows afterward. If you read back through what I’ve written here in the last year or two its probably rather obvious.

A random observer would see how truly cool my life is and see my successes and my family and my life and stuff and see me as blessed, mainly because I am. But that just doesn’t get me through the other side of the rollercoaster lately.

I’ve just sorta become a normal dayjob person who gets to do some remarkably cool stuff once in a while, and all that remarkably cool stuff merely serves to remind me that I could be doing this for a living. And inside all that, I can’t get past the feeling that I simply fucked it up somewhere along the line.

The cruise was a perfect example – I spent a week reestablishing my confidence in my abilities and really proving to myself and others that I belong in the business of music, and ultimately that was nearly the worst thing that could have happened. It literally makes my question and doubt every other aspect of my life.

Its always been a juggling act between being what I am (a musician and a daddy) and being what I have to be (a responsible provider), and I routinely get the impression that I’m not really capable of either sometimes. But its actually ‘easier’ to get into that ‘maybe I should give up music’ hole and declare myself a zombie than to get positive reinforcement and support for my music and still suck at everything else.

I obviously need to figure this out – I’m severely lacking in happy places at the moment, and even my normal haven (the stage) is adding to the problem.