More importantly.

We’re quickly coming up on one year in the house, and its been a true blessing. With all 11 houses around the courtyard completed, the courtyard lawn has become the place for all the kids to play. It’s a wonderful design, and makes me worry far less about the backyard now the Maggster is old enough to play outside with others.

Anna started kindergarten, so RSW has been juggling work-from-home, school-from-home, and an especially needy demanding sisterless near-three-year-old. You’d think that having one kid home instead of two would be easier, but no, not really. We’re trying hard to get her potty-trained so that she can go to preschool, but she’s in no hurry.

I got a raise at work, although the review it was based on was authored by Boss-yatch, so I was able to exactly predict my review numbers before the review started (minimum raise percentage, 1/10 of a point below “meets expectations”, just like she gave EVERYONE last year). To his credit, new boss was appalled at the shallow nature of the eval, and added many kind words and much encouragement despite not being able to aid my bottom line. Oh well.

The girls’ birthdays and anny are coming up, so we’re at the end of Parental Invasion Wave One, with my Mom visiting now and Dad coming at Halloween.

Me? Well, you really don’t wanna know.

Yeah yeah. Fine. Well, I came down with something quite a while ago – I first noticed it after our August 9th Pavilions gig – felt like an ear infection or one of those odd head things that people who sing tend to get. Well, to make a long story short, it seems to have been a rather massive sinus infection that buried me for better than 8 weeks. I’ve been on massive antibiotics the last 4 weeks, but seemingly every weekend over the course of the damn thing I got pummelled by something else – stomach flu one weekend, major head cold another, random allergies and general chronic immuno-deficiency throughout.

Fun shit.

So yeah. Glad that’s mostly over. Still a remnant or two lingering, but I think it’s just fatigue and the last gasp of allergy season. But I was on impulse power forever, able to work barely, and overrun the second I let my guard down.

The cost of this has been pretty great. The trivial cost is that I haven’t been able to get my new project off the ground, and I may have lost a guy or two in the process. Not much I can do about that, and I entered this situation prepared for the worst.

The real cost has been more tangible. I really haven’t been able to do the mental reconciliation I need to do with this band situation. I’m still completely unmotivated to make music, touch my instruments, or anything within the realm. I’ve been around the house, shell of myself, with RSW overwhelmed by the many elements of life and me being useless to her. I’ve had no outlet, I’ve had no input, and frankly I’ve been just kinda here. Nothing to offer, nothing to gain.

I’m struggling to find something to motivate me – I hoped getting my guitars repaired would help, but it’s becoming clear that at least one of them is beyond hope. I have my eye and heart into a 12-string on ebay that’s extremely close to the John Denver estate Guild I played on the SI record, but I know it will be beyond me and effort to make it happen will just strain the fragile trust RSW has in my music (and me) right now.

It would be quicker and less expensive just to beat myself with a hammer – the sale of my instruments would cover the medical deductable -and- I wouldn’t care.

In short, I’m in an intolerable funk, based upon a situation where my menial shit job had become more interesting and creatively rewarding than my band (by default). That, and I’ve been a turd on a stick for two months around the house.

The month after the last gig was supposed to be about discovery and recharging and resting and finding my way to the next step. It’s been nothing but a pothole.

The upside – the band fans and a few new friends have been absurdly supportive of me, even those who don’t know what’s happening. A lot of people have held this together when I haven’t had the wherewithal or the energy. Everyone I’ve told about the new project concept has been excited and supportive, so I hope I haven’t kneecapped it entirely.

That last line is true of far too many things right now.

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